I am trying to imagine what sort of "Light Beer" the gentleman I am about to describe was drinking at the time of the incident I am about to describe. My suspicion is that it was not any of the major "respectable" light beers that are out there. Not Coors Light. Not Miller Light. Not Bud, Heineken, or Michelobe Ultra Light. Rather, I highly suspect it was one of the lesser, inexpensive, get you drunk in a hurry, cheap as hell bitter beer face light beers. Old Milwaukee Light?
Keystone Light?
Natural Light? I don't know what type of beer it was at all, to be truthful. The can(s) never came out of the bag they were in. But the frothy liquid inside certainly did, and several lucky passengers on the Phoenix Metro Light Rail were the proud recipients of a "golden shower". And since the light rail is still in its infancy, I suspect that this was the first golden shower in its history. I'm glad I was there to take part in history. Now, what do I mean when I say "golden shower"? Because I know what you all are thinking. Your minds are in the gutter, because no, it is not that kind of golden shower. I am not talking about the kind of liquid they use to water golf-courses with. I'm talking about the kind baseball players from Milwaukee spray on their coaches when they win the pennant. I'm talking about beer. Cerveza. Suds. Brewski. Pick your synonym, it was spraying inside the train. At 4pm.
Crazy Beer Story #1: Beer Pharm
It is a little known fact that hospitals, especially hospitals in poorer communities keep a ready supply of beer in the pharmacy refrigerator. This is not for the hospital staff after a rough day mind you, but rather for the raging alcoholics who are admitted on a regular basis. It seems that there is no sedative in the world that will calm them down, no amount of secobarbital, pentobarbital or Valium that will bring them back to earth after a night without a drink. But do you know what will?
One of the lesser, inexpensive, get you drunk in a hurry, cheap as hell bitter beer face light beers.
Old Milwaukee Light.
Keystone Light.
Natural Light.
Crazy Beer Story #2: Bar Stool
Did you hear the story about the guy who received a DUI for driving a motorized bar-stool after drinking 15 beers? If not, here is the video...
Crazy Beer Story #3: Billy Dee
I have a friend, Katja, who I have not seen in a very long time. We have alot in common, Katja and I, because we both worked ropes course at Summer Camp, and we both moved to Arizona to go to school.
Katja and I were guests at a dinner party many years ago, and somehow we were sent out on a beer run. I think we were both a little resentful of having to go out and get the beer, while everyone else got to sit around and visit, so we vowed to get the worst beer imaginable, just to spite our friends.
Of course we bought good beer, because truth be told, we were going to be drinking it too. But we decided to fake everyone out by leaving the good beer in the car and walking in with a couple of forties of really bad beer...
What kind of beer you may ask?
One of the lesser, inexpensive, get you drunk in a hurry, cheap as hell bitter beer face light beers?
Old Milwaukee Light?
Keystone Light?
Natural Light?
No.
We went down another rung on the totem pole for this one. We bought Olde English.
Or maybe it was Colt 45.
I can't remember...
All I remember is that Katja forgot that we bought good beer, drank the bad beer, had kidney failure, and I never saw her again...
Crazy Beer Story # 4: Coors Heavy
When I lived in Las Vegas last year, my brother came for a visit one weekend. We went to have some pizza and grab a pitcher of Cerveza at a local joint that just so happens to be a big chain. We had decided to order Coors Light as our beer of choice, and after paying for our meal we were told that it would be a few minutes before our pitcher was ready, that they were having trouble with the tap.
The pitcher finally arrived at our table about ten minutes later, and it was IMMEDIATELY obvious that the liquid inside, though beer, was NOT Coors Light. For all beer-drinking Americans know that American Beers, Light or otherwise, are relatively clear.
This beer was Opaque as could be. Sure it was a of a golden color, but the texture was creamy and thick. And even if the woman was having trouble with her tap, it most certainly couldn't have caused THIS problem, could it?
But what kind of beer was it, my bro and I wondered silently and verbally?
One of the lesser, inexpensive, get you drunk in a hurry, cheap as hell bitter beer face light beers?
Was it Old Milwaukee Light?
Keystone Light?
Or perhaps Natural Light?
I looked at our server and questioned her immediately. "Thank you ma'am, but we ordered Coors Light, I believe."
She looked at the Beer, and she looked at me, with only the briefest of pauses and said in a very matter of fact way, "Hon, that is Coors Light."
"Are you sure?" I asked in complete disbelief.
"Yep."
Not wanting to be combatitive, I let her win. Inside I knew that we were being served something else, most likely Blue Moon or some other wheat beer. In reality, she was doing us an unasked favor by upgrading us to a better, more expensive beer.
But sometimes, you just want a Coors Light, you know?
I turned to my brother after she left and he gave me an understanding glance.
"That's not Coors Light", I said. "More like Coors Heavy".
We shared a laugh before drinking every last drop.
(Artist's Representation of "Coor's Heavy")
Okay, so getting back on track (Sheesh! Talk about tangents!), I was riding on the light rail yesterday, trying to make my way out to my brother's house where I was planning on watching some cool DVD's he got on Netflix and keeping him company while he was home sick with the flu, when I was sidetracked by several things:
1.) A flat tire on my bike, and
2.) A homeless-looking fellow who had a bag full of beer with him on the train.
The homeless fellow, of course is the far more interesting story, because I believe that he was already drunk and discombobulated. For those of you unfamiliar with the light rail some explaining is in order. In most of the cars there are several seats that retract electronically when there isn't anyone sitting there. This is to make space for wheelchairs, bikes, Larks, and other over-sized items.
I don't think that our drunk friend (freshly discharged from Maricopa Medical Center I suspect) realized this, and left his grocery bag full of beer on the seat when he stood up (Schitzophrenic Tick). When the seats retracted unexpectedly, he freaked and tried to rescue his medicine of choice. But it was too late...
A can exploded under the pressure and began hosing a nearby window and the man himself down in...
Old Milwaukee Light?
Keystone Light?
Natural Light?
Olde English?
Knowing that there was another can to be saved, the man began to wrestle with the bag and fight the retracting seat. He must have pulled too hard though, because the second can exploded as well...POW!
This time it sprayed a woman sitting nearby, still too stunned to understand what was going on. The steady powerfull stream bombarding her suggested that it was now a good time to flee, and she ran into the neighboring car where I sat watching things unfold and exclaimed, "I'm on my way to work. I can't report to my boss smelling like this!"
We all had a good laugh. The homeless man was quite upset with himself and began cursing under his breath.
"You wasted a perfectly good six pack!" I yelled down to him, and everyone chuckled.
He was off at the next stop, as was I. The train smelled like beer, like one of the lesser, inexpensive, get you drunk in a hurry, cheap as hell bitter beer face light beers. Plus I knew a bike shop near there and wanted to get my tire fixed. Thankfully I wasn't on my way to work smelling like beer like the poor woman sitting next to me. So now, my friends, you have heard Crazy Beer Story #5...
Ride the rails and stay safe. And if you drink beer, please stay away from Olde English!
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